I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.