I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.