Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
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ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.