-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
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From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6