I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
This is a bad sign
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals