I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping