I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
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LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.