“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Jurassic park gets weird
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.