Jurassic park gets weird
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Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
that wasn’t the question
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Thrilling chase underway
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
and now we wait
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.