peak technology
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.