Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.