“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.