they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
You Might Also Like
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.