3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
You Might Also Like
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge