My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
that’s really how it is
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*