bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
this is literally a CIA plant
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.