I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
#Caturday
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Mmmm canned fish.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell