what the
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.