1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
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[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.