me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Lmao
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.