getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.