Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.![]()
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Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me driving through Toronto
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Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…