Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
You Might Also Like
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Saw your ex at the shops
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
This was a bad idea all around
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?