What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
You Might Also Like
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]