What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

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We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.


Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.


asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently


This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.


I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.


There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.


i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”


*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*


I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.