@Social_Mime

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

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@jacanamommy

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

@kelkulus

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

@_rubdirtonit

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

@RickAaron

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

@Social_Mime

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

@LebenskunstIer

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

@mugkip

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

@AimeeHelene1

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

@TravLeBlanc

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.