My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Best spoiler warning ever
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me