My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.