My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade