Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
You Might Also Like
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Phones down.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Teach your children to beatbox
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.