Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
You Might Also Like
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
britain’s three elite institutions
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.