The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad