My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
the saddest jazz hands ever
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you