Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Current mood: Potato
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.