This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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Sheep
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠