Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
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europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.