My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
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I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.