Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.