@EyalTweet *beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
@UnFitz Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
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@EyalTweet 
@rickolantern My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
@AsgardianRose After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
@hand_jive Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
@jeannerbeaner Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
@JediGigi “JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
@SondraDeeMe “Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
@BruceForce Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
@ipalatsky Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
@UnFitz Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp