Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp