@UnFitz

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

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@EyalTweet

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

@rickolantern

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

@AsgardianRose

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@jeannerbeaner

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

@JediGigi

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

@SondraDeeMe

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

@ipalatsky

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

@UnFitz

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp