Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
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Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Oh my god
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Many hands make light work
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.