Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

Watermelon Boss!

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.