My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.