Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Miscakes
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.