“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
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HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Lmao 🤣
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
dude it’s called proctologist
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.