Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”