Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.