Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
12. I think about this all the damn time
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Godspeed, John Glenn
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Sign at work today