Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
You Might Also Like
I am HOWLING at this
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.