me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
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A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.