Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
You Might Also Like
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science