My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.