ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.