My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.