[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
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Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Its true…
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Breaking news:
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.