Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?