ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.