My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Erm I’m gonna say no
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Probably my best painting.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.