[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself