Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I’m aging like a fine banana
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now